|
|
Wednesday, June 27th, 2007
| |
11:06 am - the za za zo'nt
|
I went on a date last night with a really nice guy. He was kind, smart, funny, and creative. He even met my very basic physical requirements for what I am looking for in a guy. He tried to pay for dinner at the restaurant he recommended with outstanding food. He was great, but as I bit into my chicken cacciatore I knew that I could never fully like him. Because with all the great qualities he possessed, I still didn't feel the za za zu.
The za za zu is the spark, the feeling of adrenaline when you first meet someone that's a combination of excitement and abject terror. It's when you meet someone and you realize that you really could get to like him. Last night all I got was a big za za zo'nt.
I enjoyed the rest of the date as much as I could. I laughed and I smiled, cracked jokes and kept things moving along. It was really quite a good date, in terms of how things could have gone. But try as I might, the za za zu never came.
I drove him to his place and we sat there in my parked car. I was nervous. I knew exactly what he wanted to do: kiss me goodnight. But I could never be okay with kissing someone, effectively stringing him along, if I didn't feel that I could like him. So I sat there, facing the instrument panel of my car, praying to the dating gods that he wouldn't try to lean in for one. I thanked him for a lovely evening and wished him a good night.
On the drive home I kept thinking about how nice this evening would have been if I would have felt something more. I thought, maybe the za za zu is something that you can cultivate. Maybe I should settle for a nice guy who will always be more into me than I would be into him. But I knew I couldn't do it, no matter how much I wanted to, because I'd always crave the za za zu.
current mood:  contemplative
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, June 14th, 2007
| |
12:10 am - married men on blow and on the low
|
*author's note: this is an old entry*
I went to Hydrate last night for a special reception after a lecture at the Chicago History Museum. Not having dinner and then having alcohol was probably a mistake, as I got drunk much faster than I usually do. But then again, getting drunk was also a lot of fun.
At about my third or fourth drink into the evening, a man dropped a bottle cap on the floor and it landed near my foot. I picked it up and started talking to him. It was a mistake, I knew, but I figured I should work on my conversational skills with strangers.
His name was Mitchy (I think) and he was married and had children. He lived near Midway Airport. This was only his second or third time in Boystown. His family had no idea he was here. That's nice and healthy. It was also his first time at Hydrate, and apparently it was his first time at the bars while being on blow. Apparently he also needed some help with the horniness that accompanies cocaine.
At this point I had completely lost interest in him, yet I still asked him what his plans were for the evening. Maybe it's because I'm a glutton for punishment, or maybe it was some morbid curiosity, but I just needed to know more about this man. He said he was looking for some hot bitches. I told him that if that was the case then he probably came to the right place.
He said that if he was going to get with a dude, which he had allegely never done, that he wanted to get with a hot dude. He told me that if I found a chick who went "both ways" that he'd do the both of us, and probably even suck me off.
I was borderline offended, and it showed on my face. He said, "You're cute, but you know..." Then I was completely offended. I mean, I was just trying to talk to him, not sleep with him. And since I found out that he was married and sneaking around I lost all interest in him. I didn't even find him that attractive!
He excused himself to go talk to a Korean girl who would probably not even give him the time of day. I wished him good luck with that. I was angry for a moment, but then I just felt sorry for the guy. After all, he was on blow, on the low, and not even willing to do me solo.
current mood:  silly
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, June 4th, 2007
| |
9:11 pm - my cat ate my relational homework
|
*author's note: this is another old entry, but a fun read*
Several weeks ago, I met this guy at a restaurant. He was my server. After several drinks, some good conversation, and much pressure from my two favorite lesbians, I managed to get this guy's phone number.
After the required waiting period for phone calls, I called him on New Year's Eve to wish him a happy new year and possibly set up a time to meet when I returned to Chicago. I didn't hear back from him, so I assumed that he wasn't really interested in me and probably gave me his number out of stupidity or pity.
I was fine with not receiving a phone call or message back, and completely forgot about the situation when I received a text message from him a few days ago. He apologized for not getting back to me earlier and told me that he wanted to hang out sometime. We made tentative plans to meet on Wednesday (today).
Yesterday morning I receive another text from him "My dog has gone missing! Not a good time for me to go out. I'll keep you posted."
Dumped for a dog? Ouch. I think that's the relational equivalent of the famous "my cat ate my homework" excuse.
I texted him back saying that it was ok and wished him the best in finding his dog. It turns out that his dog was found and it was at the pound. I received no messages from him saying that our meeting was back on, so I assume that he's just not that into me. I have no qualms about this, but I think a simple "I'm not interested" or just continued silence would have been a much more noble thing to do.
I dealt with my pain the only way I knew how: retail therapy. I marched into Nordstrom's and bought $300 worth of shoes. I needed them anyway, but this whole "dumped for a dog" situation sent me over the consumer edge. At least I got some cute shoes out of the deal.
current mood: contemplative
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, June 3rd, 2007
| |
9:55 pm - a moment of clarity while on the red line
|
*authors note: this entry is old, but still valid nonetheless*
I was on the red line this morning and listening to Amos Lee when I was struck with a moment of clarity. I realized that I was tired of trying so hard to find someone to love. In fact, I'm so tired of it that I am done.
Every time I try and find someone, it seems that I can never find what I am looking for. The guys I end up meeting are either not interested in me or they are total scumbuckets. I think that all of the trying and failing has really taken a toll on my overall well-being. What's worse, I think that all my effort has really made me look desperate, and made me sacrifice some of my standards.
I took an inventory of my current situation. I am living in a city where I am happy. I'm holding a decent job. I'm going to school and enjoying my program. I'm making friends. I am working on becoming a better person, both physically and spiritually. I am making friends. I am happy.
So what if I have no one special at this time to share my happiness with? I have lots of great new people in my life to share and make moments. I have tons of great old friends that love me. I have an entire city to discover. I have personal goals to meet. If I find love along the way, I suppose it's a bonus, but right now I feel like it's not necessary.
So I'm done. I'm done with the chase. I'm done with the games. I'm done with being disappointed. I'm going to find happiness inside myself. I'm going to make myself the best person I can be. I will be content.
Amos Lee kept serenading me as my mind drew up my personal manifesto. I felt a warmth over my body, and I couldn't help but smile. I think it was my spirit affirming everything that my mind was thinking. It felt good. I got off at my stop with my head held high. My walk was lighter, my mind was clearer, my smile was bigger. From now on I'm going to keep myself happy.
current mood: reflective
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| |
9:43 pm - gone too long
|
Yipes. No updates since October 26th?
Oh my. And so much has happened.
I have been writing things down here and there, and I'll try and post in here more often. Since it's the summer I have more free time now.
current mood:  surprised
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, October 21st, 2006
| |
8:51 pm - a thank-you note
|
Dear ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=91.7) treebreeze:
Thank you so much for your greeting card! It made me smile really big. Also, you have amazing penmanship! :)
-C
current mood: happy
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, September 16th, 2006
| |
10:19 am - on being the man of honor
|
You know that saying, "always the bridesmaid, never a bride"?
I think that pretty much sums up my life.
It used to bug me, it used to get underneath my skin in ways so unimaginable. Now I take it all in stride. It's all just par for the course. I am the man of honor. Your good old, reliable friend. I'm the relational equivalent of a favorite t-shirt or a time-worn hoodie. I'm comfortable, safe, and long-lasting. And no, it's not the worst thing in the world, but at times it can be rough.
It's time to refocus. It's time to not worry about that stuff anymore. I have a master's degree to work on. I have a job to get good at. I have a house to sell, I have a condo to purchase and furnish. I have weight to lose. I have books to read. I have research to conduct. I have issues to work out. My plate will be full of things to keep me busy, to keep me occupied. Because when I'm not occupied is when those thoughts come swirling back into my head.
I was the man of honor at my best friend's wedding. She didn't have very many girl friends, let alone a close girlfriend, but she had me. I got to be the male version of her maid of honor. It was a joy and a pleasure. I got to walk down the aisle by myself. To a groom that was not waiting for me, but for my radiant, wonderful friend.
Always the man of honor, never the bride.
current mood:  okay
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Friday, August 25th, 2006
| |
9:55 am - good for the soul
|
I was bored, I was lonely, and I was depressed. I thought it would be a good idea to start drinking some rum. At first it was, I relaxed and felt better, but at some point I crossed the line of sobriety. I was still cognizant enough perform most tasks, but I could definitely feel the effects of a depressed central nervous system. The world was different now--it was lighter, brighter, and swishy. The problems of the day were no longer on the forefront of my mind. Everything went into a soft haze.
I have never once lost complete control of myself when drinking, nor have I blacked out. I do, however, get a little more daring than usual once there is liquor in my system. I decided to get on the computer and start surfing around. I had some nice conversations with some guys on bear411. I even talked to writemeastory on the phone and made plans to get some tea in the city the next day. Sobriety be damned, I could still function.
Then I saw him online. It was Chase, the guy I've been secretly crushing on for weeks since I met him on an online dating site. Chase was living in Nashville when I was in Florida, and on the way up I stopped to see him. Chase is not perfect; he has messed up teeth and poor skin, but he makes up for it all with his wit and charm. The man is smart and funny. He and I love watching trashy reality TV shows and calling or IMing each other after to dish about the episode. We have a delightful understanding of our senses of humor. Chase just recently moved to Bloomington, Indiana to pursue a PhD.
I always had a little thing for him ever since we first started chatting. There's something about him, a degree of woundedness and openness that I really admired about him. It wasn't something physical, it was the recognition of a kindred spirit, I suppose. Maybe we were friends or lovers in a previous life. Folk wisdom states that the right guy at the wrong time isn't the right guy, but my how I wanted Chase to be the right guy. Being 200 miles away from someone is not conducive to the formation and maintenance of a relationship. Our busy schedules will keep us even more separated than any distance could. Yet in the back of my mind I always held a small, clandestine candle for Chase. Maybe one day, I thought.
I double-clicked on Chase's screen name and typed "hello." That was the first mistake. The rest of them involved me spilling my guts out to him. I told him everything. I told him that I liked him, I told him that I hated the fact that there really was no way we could make it work, I told him that I knew I shouldn't like him and I did it anyway. Chase was kind, thank God. He was probably caught slightly off guard, and asked me where this was all coming from. I wrote back, "this is pure, unadulterated me." I couldn't tell him that I was drunk, so I told him a half-truth. I did feel this way, and it was an unguarded version of myself brought to you in part by Bacardi. After I let all of that out, I apologized and told him I was going to bed.
I felt like I had just been at confession. I confessed my sins to Chase and sought absolution. Chase was a kind priest, the kind that didn't judge you for what you did, but loved you in spite of your misgivings. My penance would be to wake up several hours later to a nasty headache and cottonmouth. Yet after everything, I felt surprisingly well. I guess confession really is good for the soul.
current mood: weird
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, August 24th, 2006
| |
11:17 am - neko case - lion's jaw
|
You're gone, the trees are so quiet
When your hand was in my pocket
How they swayed from side to side
Now the meddling sky and my snowy eye
Sees a different night
The night I fell into the lion's jaws
To my regret and your delight
Those teeth themselves could not divine
Nor their pressure estimate
The haze I wish to never break
And to never contemplate
Momentum for the sake of momentum
Momentum for the sake of momentum
Of momentum
current mood:  melancholy
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006
| |
10:43 am - what?
|
So, being a bored and lonely boy, I posted a profile on bear411. I thought it would at least get me in touch with some interesting people in the area. My profile is very tame, no nudes or even semi-nudes, and I even write about my distaste for random (or even sequential) hookups.
I wake up this morning to this wonderful message in my inbox:
hic lo is adriani love and like ricans alot pai mahco yoaur hot gorogeus exy mnaly pai i love to shwoe dyou my argenine gaucho passionebst pai i main chicaog northsdie apologiesfor typing pai me gutas mucho lindo im 37 5;11 199 hairy stokcy masulien ver mahco welhugn very tikc thickbig mahco strong gotee musatche blakc hair light brown eeys thikc eyebrwos ppai adrian let mekwo i amas wella filmaker direcotr in filsand photogrpaer pai i lov eto met i cna hsotforyou argenin pai wooff i relay hope to hear formyou ok i like totrde mor pcs number i love those eeys and body very tantalzing pai adrian grrrrrr
What? Was that even English? I tried my best to decode this message. I think there are some compliments in there, strewn in with a proposition to "film" or "photograph" me, as well as descriptives indicative of his want to get it on with me.
At least he apologizes for his deplorable typing. I just can't win.
current mood: indifferent
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, August 14th, 2006
| |
11:03 am - all's fair in love and war, i suppose
|
Just when I decide that I am done with the chase, that feeling anything for you was a mistake, and that I should be better just cutting my losses and running, you text me. This is making me crazy.
I will not, can not, shall not, let this become the unhealthy thing I was afraid of it becoming. I wasted too many years of my former life hopelessly devoted to men who were bad for me. I just have this terrible knack for picking all the wrong boys.
However, I will no longer subjugate myself to the role of the victim. Oh no, not brand-new me. That shriveling, former shell of myself will not make any guest appearances in my life anymore. I may have to come off as callous, as unfeeling, as cold, but I'd rather be that than an open sore of a person.
Pat Benatar was right; love is a battlefield.
current mood: contemplative
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Friday, August 11th, 2006
| |
9:53 pm - yoinked from worldwidefiddy
|
I want to know you...
Please fill this out so I know who my "friends" are.
1. Name:
2. Age/Birthday:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song:
6. Favorite Band/Rapper/Artist:
7. Favorite Book/Comic Book:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Favorite TV Show:
10. Favorite Video Game/Board Game:
11. Do we know each other outside of Livejournal?:
12. Would you give me a kidney?:
13. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
14. If you could change anything about your current life, would you?:
15. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?:
16. Favorite Subject in High School/College:
17. One thing that you regret in life:
18. The most interesting place you visited:
19. If you had only one bullet, which Teen Idol would you shoot first?
20. Favorite Condiment:
21. Favorite Season:
22. Favorite Color:
23. What inspires you?
24. Early bird or night owl?
25. Favorite drink (alcoholic, non-alcoholic)
current mood:  curious
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
| |
10:54 pm - I've arrived!
|
|
| Thursday, July 27th, 2006
| |
1:15 pm - ¿hablas español?
|
So I went to the karaoke/going-away party for my good friend last night and who do I run into but my old Spanish teacher. I always thought he was kinda cute, not really my type, but cute. I always knew he was gay, so it shouldn't have shocked me to see him at a gay bar, but it was still rather unusual.
He was with his boyfriend--a tall, chocolate statue of a man--and with another friend, Matt. Matt was a very cute redhead (I've always had things for redheads) with shaggy hair and a good sense of humor. We ended up leaving the bar together and Matt and I made out. Oh, I love kissing, so much. It's one of those things that you don't realize how much you miss until you do it again. I think it's all the attraction, the pure animalistic drive that brings lips, mouths, and tongues together.
current mood: good
|
|
(5 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, July 24th, 2006
| |
1:16 pm - About last night
|
Last night I got really drunk and smoked some cloves, even though I probably shouldn't have. It had been forever since I had smoked anything, though.
Now I can't get the smell of cloves out of my life. It's in my hair, my fingertips, maybe even on my sheets. I feel gross.
There was this guy who was marginally attractive that I totally thought I had a chance with. He was cute, but not hot. He had really interesting plaid pants on. All I wanted to do was make out with his face. It turned out that he was full of himself, which in my drunk status was kind of a turn-on. Never in my sober life would I allow someone like that to be attractive. However, my 6 Long Islands self found him irresistible.
I think it has something to do with my co-dependent past. They say that alcoholics are always alcoholics. It seems that even with therapy and lots of great life decisions I still have a remnant of that old me left behind, and he likes to come out once the blood-alcohol level is elevated. I'm going to definitely work on staying in control more.
current mood: dirty
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| |
2:59 am - Ouch
|
Getting shot down hurts just a little bit. Even if you are a little on the drunk side.
Oh well, it's not like I'll be down here much longer. Goodbye, superficial world of Florida.
*sigh*
current mood:  drunk
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, July 13th, 2006
| |
10:58 am - Single's love horoscope for Cancer
|
From astronet.com:
July 13, 2006
"What happens now is largely dependent on keeping your expectations flexible and your sense of adventure engaged. Be ready for anything and anyone -- even just someone who can be a great new friend."
I try not to read too much into horoscopes, but it's eerie how accurate this one is today. Thanks to the wonders of the internet (thanks, Al Gore!) I have made some friends in and around the Chicago area. A few of these are potential love interests as well. This is the first time in my life I've really been putting myself out there and now I have the cool dilemma of choosing between a couple of guys. At first it stressed me out, but I realized that I just need to keep things light and have fun. I'll play it by ear and see if I feel like getting serious with someone.
This is brand new territory for me. Throughout most of my formative years I was highly closeted and anxious. Add to that a ridiculous low self-esteem and a co-dependent pattern and I was a walking recipe for disaster in potential dating relationships. Now that I'm a little older and more comfortable with myself, I find myself with a couple of great options for potential boyfriends. It just feels like for the first time in my life I am allowing myself to be in the spotlight, and it's paying off.
current mood: giddy
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, July 4th, 2006
| |
1:16 pm - quick update
|
Well, I'm afraid that I've neglected this journal over the past few weeks. I've been driving myself crazy cleaning all over the house. I am trying to sell my house and most of the furniture inside. So far, reactions to both have been positive, although I haven't had any buyers on either front. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, though.
I move in about 27 days. That is so scary. Everything is becoming much more real. I have another piece I'm working on writing, and hopefully I'll post it sometime soon.
I hope everyone has a safe and happy 4th.
current mood: crazy
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, June 13th, 2006
| |
9:52 pm - pictures
|
We are getting into what is termed the "dog days of summer" and this year I couldn't agree more. Everyone is graduating, moving, going on vacations, etc. Even I will be leaving South Florida soon (for which I am quite grateful!). I just wanted to post some pics of things I've done in the last month or so. With so many people leaving recently, we've been having lots of going-away parties.
( warning, lots of pictures... )
current mood: silly
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, June 2nd, 2006
| |
11:27 am - yes, I am alive
|
I haven't given up on this journal, I swear. I've been incredibly busy with getting the house ready to be put on the market.
My Chicago trip was lovely. I am so excited that I'll be living there in a few short months. I was accepted to two grad schools up there, so I went to check them out. I finally decided upon Roosevelt, so that's where I'm going.
The move hasn't quite sunken in yet. It's going to be hard to do this "on my own" as it were. I'll muddle through, somehow. I always do.
Oh, and The New Pornographer's Twin Cinema is absolutely rocking my world right now.
current mood: okay
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
